Journey to Myself

I have never dreamt of fame or fortune.

I have never wanted to be the best or strongest.

These things are material and hold little value.

Instead I have sought simplicity and peace.

I yearned for the opportunity to be free from the paralyzing thoughts in my head.

I looked towards experiencing the feeling of running away from the negativity yet still being present.

Some days are better than others.

Some moments are uplifting, some are not.

Some moments provide courage for the future, some drain every semblance of normalcy from your body.

Some moments light the way forward. Some must be cast away.

All I wanted was to be me and find happiness within.

Advertisements

Everything Happens For You, Not To You

There are two sayings that I will always remember my mom saying whenever things didn’t happen as anticipated:

  • “Everything happens for a reason”
  • “Nothing ever happens before its time”

I guess age brings wisdom because as a child, teenager and young adult, I failed to understand these sayings and only remember being completely frustrated. But as I ventured into my thirties and beyond, this suddenly started to make sense.

I think the revelations and wisdom have come from the many mistakes that I’ve made in my life… the failed relationships, friendships that fizzled, career choices that disappointed because I wasn’t good enough by imagined benchmarks and standards. With every mistake, I grew stronger. No matter how small, I learned something. And from the lessons, I was able to find the courage to move forward. I found the bravery to step outside of my comfort zone. I learned to love myself without needing validation from others whether it was my physical appearance or the internal battles in my head.

Have I reached my final destination? No. But I’m in a better place today than I was yesterday and tomorrow will bring continued growth.

Full Moon

82B12A0E-C58A-4295-B757-1A04E3D1C696.png

One of my favourite things to do has been to sit in silence and peace observing the moon.

Noticing

strength without being overpowered,

clarity without blinding brightness,

illumination that guides without force,

understated beauty.

 

Recognizing that

my own beauty is within,

my strength is more than I am aware of,

my confidence will guide me

even when I’m not sure of where I need to be.

 

Knowing that

I am at peace

if only for a moment.

 

 

Just Keep Swimming

I’m back! Again!

I wish that my crystal ball would accurately tell me when my depression is on the verge of breaking point. Unfortunately, it isn’t always that easy.

For the most part, I’ve accepted this part of my life. I understand that in order for me to ride through the wave, I need to prioritize. Very often, that means only the bare minimum is accomplished. And sometimes my writing has to be neglected. Pouring your heart out tends to be more challenging when your head is in a mess. Throwing anxiety into the mix, and things tend to get a lot more complicated. Depression drains your energy to the lowest it can be. Then think of anxiety as being the most annoying and clueless person in your life who tells you that you need to suck it up and deal with it.

I’ve been on this journey for years. There are weeks when I’m great and life couldn’t be more perfect. I can cut down on my meds and still experience everything to the fullest. Then without warning, I’m struggling to bathe or get out of bed or even eat for days on end. And my meds are doubled yet I still feel as though I’m floundering.

Simply remembering at any given moment that this too shall pass! And for this very moment, it has!

Gratitude and Opportunities

My last working day at my corporate job was February 12th 2016. When I made the decision to pursue self-employment, my vision was nothing more than teaching yoga classes and making enough money to ensure that I could feed my son, and occasionally myself. I knew that my environment was toxic and my wellbeing was more important. I also knew that embarking on your own statistically takes 5 years to become successful. In other words, I should not plan on anything more than breaking even and hopefully not eroding all of my savings. I made a conscious decision to ignore the five year statistic since I realistically couldn’t survive for more than three years.

For the first time in my life, ambition went out the window. I thought no further than the following month when I finalized what classes I was teaching. Despite that, my level of gratitude increased. I became more aware of my blessings which didn’t require finances or accumulation of materialistic wealth. And without expectations, I saw opportunities arise that I had never intended.

One year after leaving my job, I started to homeschool my son. Me who lacks any semblance of patience, who felt like pulling my hair out just from doing homework with him, decided to discard the few remaining marbles that I had and prove I was certifiably insane. Fifteen months later, we’re both still alive *bonus points* Has it been without struggles? Of course not! But has it been worth it? Most definitely. I have seen firsthand the changes in his emotional responses and his anxiety. In the past, I was always vocal about the negatives of our school system… the unnecessary pressures coupled with approaches that have been scientifically debunked as beneficial. Now I speak from experience.

While I continued to take yoga one month at a time, I saw huge improvements in our autism advocacy group. I saw our reach expanding almost daily. Our vision has always centered around empowering parents. We believe that parents are the best advocates for their children because who knows your child better than you? And as we have been able to reach more parents, we have also been able to educate a larger portion of the community. How else can you create greater awareness and acceptance if not without the support of those around you?

And then one night around midnight, I decided to start a blog. It seemed like a good idea at the time and five months later, I have over 1000 views and 700 visitors. But bigger than that was the opportunity to have two published articles through The Mighty.

The biggest success has been the growth of my yoga classes.  My yoga mama said to me last week “you’re growing a business. What’s your future plans? What’s your vision?” And my initial response was “What business? No I’m not. I’m simply teaching yoga classes”. I also thought “this is adulting again! Somebody save me!” But after the initial shock, I realized the legitimacy of her statements. Without even trying, I went from a single regular client and two inconsistent ones to six regulars and additional jobs emerging daily.

Did I write this as a boastful chronicle of my successes? Nope. It’s a truthful but abbreviated narrative of the last two years. March 2018 was the first month that I felt financially secure in my decision to give up an established career of over fifteen years and two degrees that took me seven years to complete. This is an account of how my life changed when I stripped away all the non-essentials and found gratitude in less… when I changed my perspective from planning the next ten years of my life to instead a recognition of living and appreciating the moment.

1B30FC61-15D8-4B54-A3E7-0D27B99EAC6E

My present list of achievements includes…

  1. Super Mommy (where is the flying cape emoji when you need it?)
  2. Yoga Lady 😉🕉
  3. Homeschooling Extraordinaire 🤓
  4. Autism Advocate 💙
  5. Social Media Butterfly with a Purpose📱
  6. Blogger 💻
  7. Writer 📝

We are guaranteed this moment and nothing more. Make sure you make the most of it 😉